Its been a while since I’ve shared here. I was hoping that my next post would be on “isolation”. This is not the case, I am still working on that one, while stuck in my own isolation a bit more then I would like. There has been so much happening since I last was here, so much, in fact, that is life has sort of derailed me a bit once again, when it comes to what I need for me in life.
I am sure none of you can relate to that… lol ( yes that was my poor attempt at sarcasm and humor! )
I feel the need to write about ‘ My Tribe’, and what I have discovered is so important to me about having a healthy tribe. My hope is that this will help some of you look at your own ‘tribe’ and see if its really working for you. For me, this tribe is really what helps get you through this thing called life. Your tribe is different and more intense than just friendship.
The definition of tribe according to the Oxford dictionary, can loosely be explained as a group consisting of people linked by social ties with a common culture.
For me, I feel that the importance of us having our own tribe is to give us a sense of understanding without words.
” Some souls just understand each other upon meeting.” N.R. Hart
A lot of times in our lives we can have a great network of friends and family that support us and love us, which is great. I certainly have loving and caring people in my life, those who are a call away and know that I too am a call away should they need. These friendships can be life long and these people can know you very well, however, I feel certain times those family and friends may not be the best support. For me, the tribe will be people who are able to connect on an even deeper level. How you may ask? Well, let’s see if I can explain this.
I feel I can be a great friend and support for a friend who has diabetes, or even Cancer for example. I can empathize, I can listen, but because I do not live with diabetes or cancer, I can’t fully understand those unique struggles that go along with living a life with either.
On a more personal level for myself, my life is a series of days colored with Mental Health challenges and struggles. Living with PTSD myself and having a fiance who also has PTSD adds even more chaos to the life I love. For me, I have really seen the difference between having a Tribe, having my people who “get me”, as compared to having friends who don’t fully ‘get it’ because their lives may not be impacted by mental health struggles.
Last week my partner and I had a great opportunity to spend a week at a couples retreat for folks living with PTSD.
The week started by bringing 6 couples together, all complete strangers on day 1, but all living with PTSD. Yep honestly 12 complete strangers, all struggling with PTSD in a house with a common goal of finding new tools for our toolbox to help us handle our unique everyday stresses a little easier. The week ended with awesome connections and more importantly, I walked away with what I now happily consider a great addition to My Tribe.
Quickly we were able to come out of our shells and build, what we all thought would be an insurmountable task, a deep connection and almost unbelievable trust with these complete strangers.
This was possible in such a short time because every person in that house had an unspoken understanding of what each couple was living. As we started opening up and sharing little bits of our ‘ crazy but normal to us’ lives, one quickly began to see people starting to nod their heads in agreeance with what others were saying. The eye contact and the weird little grins shared between complete strangers played a huge part in the development of a strong connection even if not all wanted to speak at first. That eye contact and those grins said ” Oh my gosh I TOTALLY understand” without actually saying anything.
For me personally, it was so comforting hearing the stories of how daily struggles can seem so heavy and can make us feel so alone and not ‘normal’ ( whatever the heck society has lead us to think is normal anyway). By day 2 it was like a light bulb went off for me. ‘These people get me, they really get me’
They understand the last-minute cancellation of plans, they understand the difficulties that go hand in hand with PTSD. No one had to try and explain what ‘a day in the life’ is like because, as crappy as it is, these people live that day, in their own unique ways, day in day out.
They understand the feelings of watching a loved one so tired and scared of the outside world that they only feel safe when hiding away in the comfort of their home or even the safety of their own bed.
They understand the sadness of seeing the person you love slipping away because society can be so cruel at times, and our own minds can be so cruel at times as well, not just society.
They understand the stress related to loving someone who has lost the ability to love themselves, lost the ability to see any purpose in their life.
They understand the fact that sometimes a fun evening out with ‘friends’ is simply not fun, because of the feeling of not fitting in.
They understand the feeling of dealing with triggers every day and trying to be strong and overcome those triggers and be supportive when triggers happen.
Heck, they simply understand what is meant by a trigger.
They understand that you will love this person, who is your partner, day in and day out, and won’t ask you things like, how long will you put up with this situation before you leave. Umm excuse me?? This situation is my LIFE, and as tough as it can be, I won’t walk away because of PTSD.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I don’t love and respect all the friendships and family I am blessed to have, I totally do. People come and go all the time in people’s lives, childhood friendships can last a lifetime and that is something special in itself. Those friendships can be good or they can be draining. It is up to each of us to reevaluate as life goes on, and ask, ‘Is my tribe healthy for me at this point in my life?’ If you find you are walking on eggshells or having to try and explain the normalcy of your own life to those in your circle, or tribe, are those people really a part of your healthy tribe?
I feel it is so important to have a Tribe that fits your life. This tribe may change and flow with you just as life changes and flows. Your tribe is what you allow it to be, it can be as simple as one person or your tribe may have numerous people. It’s your tribe, build it to suit YOU! Build your tribe in a way that works for you, with people who ‘get it’, people who share similar struggles, and can celebrate the huge successes that others may see as trivial and not worth celebrating, those are the people who will help you through this journey called life in a way quite like no other.
Looking at my tribe now, it warms my heart and brings a small bit of peace to my generally on edge and panicky mind. My friends, family and my tribe, (which is really a family like no other) are something I am forever grateful for. To those who have joined my tribe and allow me to be part of their tribe, I say thank you. Thank you for loving me the way you can, thank you for accepting me for who I am, and thank you for helping me be the best me I can be.
I hope you all can look at your tribe and determine who really deserves to be in your tribe.
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others. xo
