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Who is in your ‘Tribe’?

Its been a while since I’ve shared here. I was hoping that my next post would be on “isolation”. This is not the case, I am still working on that one, while stuck in my own isolation a bit more then I would like. There has been so much happening since I last was here, so much, in fact, that is life has sort of derailed me a bit once again, when it comes to what I need for me in life.

I am sure none of you can relate to that… lol ( yes that was my poor attempt at sarcasm and humor! )
I feel the need to write about ‘ My Tribe’, and what I have discovered is so important to me about having a healthy tribe. My hope is that this will help some of you look at your own ‘tribe’ and see if its really working for you. For me, this tribe is really what helps get you through this thing called life. Your tribe is different and more intense than just friendship.
The definition of tribe according to the Oxford dictionary, can loosely be explained as a group consisting of people linked by social ties with a common culture.
For me, I feel that the importance of us having our own tribe is to give us a sense of understanding without words.

” Some souls just understand each other upon meeting.” N.R. Hart

A lot of times in our lives we can have a great network of friends and family that support us and love us, which is great. I certainly have loving and caring people in my life, those who are a call away and know that I too am a call away should they need. These friendships can be life long and these people can know you very well, however, I feel certain times those family and friends may not be the best support. For me, the tribe will be people who are able to connect on an even deeper level. How you may ask? Well, let’s see if I can explain this.

I feel I can be a great friend and support for a friend who has diabetes, or even Cancer for example. I can empathize, I can listen, but because I do not live with diabetes or cancer, I can’t fully understand those unique struggles that go along with living a life with either.
On a more personal level for myself, my life is a series of days colored with Mental Health challenges and struggles. Living with PTSD myself and having a fiance who also has PTSD adds even more chaos to the life I love. For me, I have really seen the difference between having a Tribe, having my people who “get me”, as compared to having friends who don’t fully ‘get it’ because their lives may not be impacted by mental health struggles.

Last week my partner and I had a great opportunity to spend a week at a couples retreat for folks living with PTSD.
The week started by bringing 6 couples together, all complete strangers on day 1, but all living with PTSD. Yep honestly 12 complete strangers, all struggling with PTSD in a house with a common goal of finding new tools for our toolbox to help us handle our unique everyday stresses a little easier. The week ended with awesome connections and more importantly, I walked away with what I now happily consider a great addition to My Tribe.
Quickly we were able to come out of our shells and build, what we all thought would be an insurmountable task, a deep connection and almost unbelievable trust with these complete strangers.
This was possible in such a short time because every person in that house had an unspoken understanding of what each couple was living. As we started opening up and sharing little bits of our ‘ crazy but normal to us’ lives, one quickly began to see people starting to nod their heads in agreeance with what others were saying. The eye contact and the weird little grins shared between complete strangers played a huge part in the development of a strong connection even if not all wanted to speak at first. That eye contact and those grins said ” Oh my gosh I TOTALLY understand” without actually saying anything.
For me personally, it was so comforting hearing the stories of how daily struggles can seem so heavy and can make us feel so alone and not ‘normal’ ( whatever the heck society has lead us to think is normal anyway). By day 2 it was like a light bulb went off for me. ‘These people get me, they really get me’

They understand the last-minute cancellation of plans, they understand the difficulties that go hand in hand with PTSD. No one had to try and explain what ‘a day in the life’ is like because, as crappy as it is, these people live that day, in their own unique ways, day in day out.

They understand the feelings of watching a loved one so tired and scared of the outside world that they only feel safe when hiding away in the comfort of their home or even the safety of their own bed.

They understand the sadness of seeing the person you love slipping away because society can be so cruel at times, and our own minds can be so cruel at times as well, not just society.

They understand the stress related to loving someone who has lost the ability to love themselves, lost the ability to see any purpose in their life.

They understand the fact that sometimes a fun evening out with ‘friends’ is simply not fun, because of the feeling of not fitting in.

They understand the feeling of dealing with triggers every day and trying to be strong and overcome those triggers and be supportive when triggers happen.

Heck, they simply understand what is meant by a trigger.

They understand that you will love this person, who is your partner, day in and day out, and won’t ask you things like, how long will you put up with this situation before you leave. Umm excuse me?? This situation is my LIFE, and as tough as it can be, I won’t walk away because of PTSD.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I don’t love and respect all the friendships and family I am blessed to have, I totally do. People come and go all the time in people’s lives, childhood friendships can last a lifetime and that is something special in itself. Those friendships can be good or they can be draining. It is up to each of us to reevaluate as life goes on, and ask, ‘Is my tribe healthy for me at this point in my life?’ If you find you are walking on eggshells or having to try and explain the normalcy of your own life to those in your circle, or tribe, are those people really a part of your healthy tribe?
I feel it is so important to have a Tribe that fits your life. This tribe may change and flow with you just as life changes and flows. Your tribe is what you allow it to be, it can be as simple as one person or your tribe may have numerous people. It’s your tribe, build it to suit YOU! Build your tribe in a way that works for you, with people who ‘get it’, people who share similar struggles, and can celebrate the huge successes that others may see as trivial and not worth celebrating, those are the people who will help you through this journey called life in a way quite like no other.
Looking at my tribe now, it warms my heart and brings a small bit of peace to my generally on edge and panicky mind. My friends, family and my tribe, (which is really a family like no other) are something I am forever grateful for. To those who have joined my tribe and allow me to be part of their tribe, I say thank you. Thank you for loving me the way you can, thank you for accepting me for who I am, and thank you for helping me be the best me I can be.
I hope you all can look at your tribe and determine who really deserves to be in your tribe.

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others. xo

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5 Cool things about Canada

Well in honour of Canada Day, I am taking a break from working on my latest Mental Health blog, so I can share with a few cool things that only my Canada has!

Thrills

We have a gum available only here called Thrills. Sadly to tell all you non Canadians, you will have to travel here to experience the unforgettable taste of this purple gum. It comes in small little rectangle shapes and tastes exactly like dish soap! Yep, I kid you not, DISH SOAP!! lol

Tim Horton’s coffee.

Tim Horton’s coffee. Yes, you can get coffee anywhere in the world, but Tim Horton’s coffee is only available here! Sad to say that even though I am not a huge coffee drinker, when I am away from Canada for more than a week or so I start to miss it!

June 5 each year, Tim Horton’s raises money to help send kids to camp!
Beavertails.

Beavertails. No, I don’t mean the actual tail of our national animal! A Beavertail is a real Canadian favorite! It is a delicious deep-fried pastry that is topped with your choice of yummy toppings, such as apples, strawberries, or chocolate, to name just a few options!

Breathtaking scenery from Coast to Coast! The pictures are lovely but don’t give the real beauty for sure!

  • Sunset PE
  • Kayaks in Webber Cove PE
  • Grand Falls NB
  • The Prairies

A Bloody Caesar.

A Bloody Caesar. Not the salad but the vodka and CLAMATO juice drink. If you are from the United States, you may know a Bloody Mary. Well, let me tell you, nothing compares to the authentic spicy and unbeatable taste of our Caesars! It is sad when some people try to pull a fast one and serve you a Bloody Mary when you ask for a Bloody Caesar! We Canadians like our spice, and the only way, in my opinion anyways to get that, is by using Clamato juice NOT tomato juice! 🙂

These are just a few of the unique to Canada things that I love about this great country! Please drop a comment about something totally Canadian that you love OR something unique from YOUR country that we Canadians may not know! 🙂

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo

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Confession Time

So, those who are paying attention to my posts will see that I am pretty dedicated to my emotional health these past few months.

It has been an enormous change for me and has really given me a new and more positive outlook on my life. ( Most days! LOL ) I’m honest here, right! 🙂

Here is what I started with last week, once I realized I needed to change my thinking. ( One of my morning posts on my IG account jensjourney73)

  • It would be a lie if I were to say to you all that I am killing my workouts every day without struggles.
  • It would be a lie to tell you that I am eating clean every single day.
  • It would be a lie to tell that 95% of my morning posts aren’t a blatant reminder to MYSELF.
  • It would be a lie to tell you that I don’t still have almost daily breakdowns.
  • It would be a lie to you I am perfect mom, lol is there such a thing? lol
  • It would be a lie to tell you that me and my fiance have a great relationship with no stresses. ( but I still love him dearly and know he loves me back just the same)
  • It would be a lie to tell you I don’t let people down.
  • I would be a lie to tell you I don’t beat myself up with self doubt on a constant basis. ( I am getting better, but still have a lot of work to do)
  • It would be a lie to tell you I don’t battle with anxiety and depression every single friggen day. ( but dammit I am giving it all the fight I have)

But what is not a lie is this:

  • I am pushing through my workouts EVERY DAY as per the program I have chosen for the past 64 days. YES, 64 days!!!
  • I eat ice cream almost 5/7 days a week ! ( Western PEI has way too many dairy bars, that are open now that summer is here! )
  • I share posts in hopes that I will actually take my own advice, and many of you love them too! That makes me smile!
  • I have my meltdowns and let myself cry and then pick myself back and do what I can. Sometimes its minutes sometimes its days, but I always keep going.
  • Honestly in my eyes there is no such thing as perfect. I do my best and I be open and honest with all my kids now. (and they seem to appreciate that, so that is good with me!)
  • Having a fiance who also lives with PTSD is tough, we have some really shitty days, BUT we also have some truly amazing days that we cherish so much more. Our shitty days really do help us in the long run. I think we truly are a power couple! ( lol slight play on words there, his last name is Power!!)
  • Of course I let people down, hello, I’m human. Every day I try harder and work more on being more gentle with myself and those around me!
  • Self doubt is so frustrating. I am getting better, but still have a lot of work to do.
  • Anxiety and depression may never fully go away, but I am learning to acknowledge and accept and to not hide that I struggle.


Although this post was primarily focused on my eating and my workouts, it was the start of much more in-depth thinking and mind shifting for me!

I DONT WANT TO QUIT!

So I RESET ( shake off the past)

Life has been hectic the past few weeks. I have been go go going, really doing way too much! Lol story of my life, right?

Who can relate? I know many of you can; we are always being pulled in so many different directions, adding more tasks to our already super busy lives.
For me, this is a continuous pattern I have had for way too long. I have such a hard time saying no, and I want to help out wherever I can. Well this my friends can be a super quick recipe for disaster, IF we don’t learn to stop from time to time and well, pause two three, NOW continue. 🙂

I am working at taking my own advice these days, but Frigg is it ever hard.

So I READJUST ( change your thinking)

For me right now, my pause two three is super crucial. I had been wondering about why I am even writing these blogs again, why am so dedicated to my daily workouts when I still eat like a human garburator some days, ( I would eat everything!! LOL) why do I try to keep things going when it seems like such a struggle.

I should add here too that while all of this was going on in my head, my fiance said to me, ” hey I have an idea I want to share with you that you should write about” I was floored, it was so great to see him reaching out and sharing with me. He had no idea the thoughts I was fighting in my head. It turns out his idea was right along the same path I am shifting my thinking to right now. He said you should write about demons; you know the demons that live inside us and try to beat us down!) SO stayed tuned in the next few weeks as I share his and also my own thoughts on the demons that can come with Mental Health illnesses! Thanks, babes!! 🙂 xox

I’ve been letting my mind start comparing myself to others, in every aspect of my awful life! ( That is where my mind was at that time, I felt life was awful)

Why are other bloggers getting so many more followers?

my head


Why are others getting so much more interaction?

My stupid thinking


Why do I try to do things when I know I will end up quitting when things get too overwhelming?

Yep my negative thoughts again

This is a cycle I had been so used to doing for so many years. It is not a cycle I will not let continue.

Then BAM a meme pops up( the one up top) and kicks me in the face, and all of a sudden, my thinking shifted. Thank goodness it did because I was really headed to a path I don’t want to go down again.

Let me share a few things:

  • Life is still difficult.
  • I still face personal challenges every day.
  • Even though every day I post a positive or motivational post, it doesn’t mean I have my S^!# together day in and day out.
  • A lot of days I am posting things that a reminder to me that I can get through the S*^! I am struggling with.
  • It is a reminder to me that it is so important to find something positive in each day.
  • It is a reminder to me that it does no good to focus on negatives.
  • It is a reminder to me that even though things may seem so dark and depressing for whatever reason, IT WILL PASS.
  • It is a reminder to me that no matter what, each day is a gift.

I will say that my workouts are one thing that I have been committed to every day for the past 60+days.
Each and every day for the past 60+ days, I have pushed through my sometimes shitty attitude and got through each workout!
Some days I was so pissed off at whatever that it was a great workout getting rid of the negative energies.
Some days I pushed through buckets of tears of frustration and got through the damn workout despite having a really crappy eating day.
Some days I was up at 5 am so excited to get my dog walked so I could home and work out with my fantastic group of motivators online! YES, you read that right!! Excited at 5 am to do a workout!

What do you have that you can help you get excited?

My biggest challenge has been my eating habits, I try my best to eat clean, and I know that when I eat certain foods, it really messes with my mental state. BUT yet I still allow myself to put those damn foods into my body.
Then the struggle gets harder because I start to beat myself up for being so stupid and weak and eating those foods. Then I get craving those crap foods even more and one little brownie, turns into five brownies, three glasses of milk, then a piece of pizza, and then the list continues.

Then I start feeling like crap, I get bloated and depressed, and it can become a vicious cycle. Who is shaking their head in agreeance with me right now? Lol Ya, I know you get it!!

So I RESTART ( with new thinking and fresh mind)


The thing is, each time this happens, I am getting stronger to stop the cycle and stop putting that crap food into my body.

Each day is a new day to RESTART! It doesn’t matter about yesterday, by resetting, readjusting and restarting it helps us to keep our focus.

Which leads me to the final RE!!

So I REFOCUS!

Try and look back at why you started something.

What is your why?


For me, this was the key to reset my thinking!

  • My why was to keep me moving forward.
  • My why is to share my stories, to help me keep my thoughts clear and on point if this helps others along my journey that is just a bonus, IT’s NOT MY WHY.
  • My why is my health,
  • My why is my family,
  • My why is because I deserve to live a happy life.

It became discouraging because I wasn’t focused on my INNER feelings of happiness. By doing the 4 RE’s, I am getting back on track and refusing to let myself quit!

Here’s a quick recap for those who may want to keep this part handy for your own lives!!
  • RESET to wipe clean the past thoughts and things that are holding you down.
  • READJUST- change your thinking according to where you need to be today
  • RESTART each day, or even each minute or hours is a new beginning so you can start fresh.
  • REFOCUS what are your goals, have they shifted or changed a bit since you last did a check?

Change is ok. If you change your goals, don’t let it stress you out. Life is all about setting goals, reassessing now and then and checking in to see if you are still on YOUR right path.

What are you looking at doing for your inner well being?

Do you need to make some changes? Changes in plans don’t mean failure. It simply means change.

What this post helped me to realize and what I want to leave you with is this:


It is easy to get lost in comparing ourselves to others.

STOP comparing yourself to others.

NO ONE else is awesome in the same way as you.


Sometimes the 4 RE’s are needed to set our minds in the right direction again. Look at your own 4 RE’s and see what you can do to get back on a track that works for you for now, and then when it feels like it’s not working, maybe its time to revisit the 4 RE’s again.

What will help you refocus?

  • Are you a list maker, do you need to weigh the pros and cons to help you reset and refocus?
  • Do you have too much on your plate right now?
  • Are there some things that maybe you can let go of for now?
  • Are you able to say NO to somethings to have more time for what is important to you?

Although my post today started out focusing on my workouts and my eating, it really pertains to every aspect of my life right now. I think many of you will relate. We all have struggles; we all have things that can push our limits. Our relationships, our kids, our jobs, our volunteer commitments, our friendships, we all have situations where we can use the 4 RE’s.

I am thankful for this post, and the ways it has helped me focus.

I’m getting back to healthier eating, which is huge for my mental health. I’m working on saying no to things that I don’t have the energy for. ( and working on not feeling guilty for saying no) I’m working on my inner strength and what brings me inner peace and strength.

As I said in the beginning, not every day is a good day, some days suck.


So please don’t be fooled by the beautiful things you may see on social media and think that some folks have their shit so much more together than you.
Chances are they are struggling just as much as the next, but most folks don’t want to share the behind the scenes crap.

I’m trying not to be that person. I am ok with being the real me and sharing the good and the bad with you all, as I journey through this thing called life.

Where will you use the 4 RE’s in your life?

Thanks again for sharing some time with me, as always I’d love to hear back from you! It gets lonely sometimes in here all by myself!!

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others!

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Walking Meditation – Halifax Public Gardens

So many people think that meditation has to be done in a quiet spot, so you can sit down with your eyes closed.

This, in fact, is not true!

Recently, I went for a walk in the downtown core of Halifax went into The Public Gardens in Halifax. If you are not familiar with this spot, the pictures I share here will give you a great idea of the beauty and serenity found within this green space in the heart of a city.

With spring here and summer just around the corner, the garden was amazing, as it is always. As I entered the gates, the whole world just seemed to drift away.

I did have my phone out because I wanted to capture some of these beautiful pictures I’m going to share. But otherwise, I simply walked. I spent about 20 minutes of my day to simply be present and in the moment and take and every little bit of the surroundings I was in. ( This was a fantastic break from the inside of the IWK hospital, where my daughter was. I was so blessed that I could spend some of my outside ME time surrounded by such beauty.)

Walking meditation is really so simple and can be done anywhere by anyone. All you need to do is be present with your body.

Tips to help you practice walking meditation:

  • Bring your focus and your mind to your footsteps.
  • Take note of every time your foot hits the ground.
  • Work at being gentle as your feet touch the ground.
  • Take some deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
  • Slow your heart rate down and your mind as well.

For me, this particular morning, my mind was extremely busy. The deep breathing in through the nose and out through the nose, NOT the mouth really help to ground me. It’s incredible how the breath can do so much for you. I encourage you to play with your own breathing, practice different types of breathing, pay attention to how you breathe, bring some mindfulness to your own breath when you are feeling overwhelmed.

After only a few short minutes of walking, I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was utterly amazed at how, in the middle of a city, with the hustle and bustle going around just a few feet away outside this beautiful park, I was able to shut my mind down and just focus on all the beauty around me.

This is walking meditation, my friends.

Letting your mind wander in the beauty around you. I smiled as I saw a young couple having pictures taken in the park. I spent much of my time looking around, watching the beautiful little buds start to grow as the trees and flowers all begin their new life in the spring.


I’m also a huge people watcher. Walking meditation through a park like this was an excellent spot for it. I don’t people watch to judge, I people watch just to take him the beauty. Each person is so unique.

As I continue to stroll, with each step I took, I focused more and more on my breathing, and I focused on being present and where I am.

So you see a walking meditation can really be done anywhere it just means putting your mind right in the moment of where you are. People are always so go, go, go in this day in age. By taking just a few minutes each day to simply walk and breathe and enjoy the beauty around we can really improve your emotional health.

There’s something about being outside surrounded by nature, seeing the bright blue sky or even a cloudy Sky it can provide some much needed YOU time.

To exchange a smile with a stranger, to be that smile maybe a stranger needs, it can really lift your heart and bring a smile to your own face.

Walking meditation is a tool that we all have at our disposal 100% of the time, but yet we fail to use it as often as we should. After my 20 minute walk through the beautiful gardens, my mind was clear, my lungs felt refreshed, and I had an overall feeling of peace.

As I left the park and turned back into the busy streets of downtown Halifax, I was so very grateful at this beautiful place nestled in amongst the chaotic hustle and bustle of a bustling City.

Scientific Studies have shown that by only taking a few minutes each day to ground yourself and to focus on some beauty and some positive things, you can really reduce your stress levels.

Where will you try walking meditation, my friends?

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo

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Remembering D-Day

This was by far one of my favorite and yet difficult posts to share with you all. It has prompted a few others posts that I will be working on in the next while to honor those who have fought for everything we are very blessed to have in our country today.

As a military veteran, and someone with a passion for many things military, I loved learning some great details that I really wasn’t very educated on up until this point.

Let me share a bit of background for the info and the gentleman I will share with you here. I am very fortunate, honored and proud of a peer support group that I help facilitate on PEI. Brave&Broken is the name of the group, here is the link to the website, if you would like to see more!

This group has really evolved into a family. A family of veterans who all have at least one thing in common, we will understand that family is not just those related by blood.

My Brave&Broken family has given me so much strength, support and love in the past 2 years it is just incredible. They are a great part of how I keep going and pushing through even the toughest of times. We meet on a weekly basis, this past week one of our members brought in some memory boards displaying a few local veterans who were part of the D-Day history.

I read each board with such amazement for a multitude of reasons, the pictures from the 1944 era were so touching and really showed a side of history that many don’t see or don’t care to think about.

I would like to share with you one particular gentleman, who is still very much alive and kicking today. Ira Enman is one of the few remaining WWII survivors. I am very honored to call him my friend and family.

Before I share a few points on D-Day and a couple of photos of Mr.Enman, let me share a bit of his story. At the young of 97, he still lives independently on his own in his home in PEI. He celebrated his 97th birthday this year! He is active every day and loves his walks along the boardwalk or spending time socializing at the indoor walking track or casino. He is more active then many folks half his age and will always have a smile to share with anyone he meets.

Ira, shown here, bottom left with glasses, and some of our Brave&Broken family celebrating a dinner together, just after his 97th birthday!

He was born in Harmony PEI in 1922. He was unemployed when WWII broke out and joined the Canadian Service Corp in New Brunswick. He was employed as a dispatch driver of trucks and motorcycles. In 1941 he was deployed to England , where he endured the London Blitz. He was a member of the No.63 Army Transport Company, where his duties included delivering supplies and messages to front line troops, convoy escort and prisoner transportation. He remained in Britain until landing in Normandy on July 7 1944. He returned to Canada in 1945 after fighting his way through continental Europe.

Upon returning from the war Ira spent years in Boston working at Thermo Electron.

He retired back to PEI in 1990 and resides in the same home he purchased in 1990! Ira was first married to Ellen, who was a war bride from England. After she passed away, Ira found a second love by the name of Dorothy, who was an island girl, who has also passed away.

Ira received the following medals and decorations from his service, 1939-45 Star, France-Germany Star, Defence Medal, Canadian Volunteer Service Medal.

  • Canadian Volunteer Service Medal
  • France-Germany Star
  • 1939-45 Star

Here are few points about that infamous day back in Normandy.

  • D-Day and the Battle of Normandy has become one of the best-known parts of WW2
  • Largest Seaborne invasion in History
  • The beaches of Normandy in France would serve as the landing spot.
  • Operation Overload was the name given to the planning and prepping for the D Day attack. ( this Op began more than one year in advance)
  • Omaha and Utah ( for the Americans) Gold and Sword (for British), and Juno ( for Canadians) were the code names given to the landing locations.
  • In the early morning hours, much before dawn, 450 members of the 1st Canadian Parachute Battalion jumped inland. They were the first of our soldiers to engage the enemy.
  • In preparation for this Canada used Debert Nova Scotia, to build a mock village called Ortona Town to train the troops before sending them to Europe via boat.
  • 14,000 Canadian soldiers from the 3rd Canadian Infantry Division and the 2nd Canadian Armoured Brigade landed at Juno Beach.
  • The Canadians along with the British made it further inland than any of the other invasion forces.
    Approx 360 Canadian soldiers were killed on D Day.
    In total, more than 5,000 Canadians died during the two-and-a-half-months of fighting in Normandy.

To read in-depth about D Day here are a few links.

D Day
D Day

Pte Ira Enman

Ira Enman was born in Northam PEI. Joined Royal Canadian Service Corp in NB.

Ira’s War Diary

63 Army Transport Company
This is poem that a fellow veteran wrote about Ira, it is proudly displayed in Ira’s home.

I truly hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed putting this one together! Please take the time to share these kind of stories with our younger generations. This is a part of our history that really needs to be shared and remembered. Thank a veteran, or currently serving member whenever you can, please. ! xo

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xox

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Apifix.. take 2

I am so stumped on how to start this one. Sitting in the family waiting room at the IWK in Halifax, waiting for some sort of detailed update, some sort of comforting words to reassure me my girl is doing ok on the operating table today. It’s been almost 2 months since we were last here. Last time I was preoccupied and doing retail therapy with my other girl as my daughter’s father and his son and daughter in law sat here waiting. Today it is just me and my laptop. I am ok with that, It is peaceful in a sense and I am having some ME time. Some ME time with the greater portion of my mind being in the OR with her.

You see today is the revision surgery day, the day we were not hoping to have. The day every parent dreads when things don’t medically go as planned. We all know though that with medicine and surgeries the unknown is always there. The Apifix surgery to fix her Scoliosis is detailed in previous posts you can see here.

We have the best of the best working on her. That is helpful to a point. As a super worrisome mom, ( is there any other kind of mom really?) LOL I am so proud of the outer strength she has shown to date. Inside I have no idea how she is doing, what I do know is that inside I am a mess. I have so many mixed emotions going on inside. I can’t help but feel the Dr this morning seemed super nervous. But heck, how could he not be! He is a man of great strength working as the only Dr in Canada doing this procedure. It is amazing what he is doing and although I am a bundle of nerves, there is no doubt in my mind she is in the best possible hands she could be in.

We arrived early this morning and things flowed so smoothly. Into her room in Day surgery just like last time. Then the parade of nurses, the anesthesiologist ( Jess from Australia, she was awesome) more nurses, more questions, repeat questions.. lol, then the Lab came for bloodwork, the first of many needle pokes for her today! 🙁 Next came the wonderful Jonny shirt and then the Surgeon. Things got real now.

He explained the consultation with numerous of his colleagues from the US and Isreal. All of whom are the best of the best concerning Apifix. They looked at her X-rays and CT Scans providing input into what this day would involve.

How would they best attack this revision surgery and how to get a successful outcome for this Apifix surgery! He reassured that all involved were confident that a solution is possible, it would just depend on what route to take once they get back inside her back.
It seemed much scarier this time, for myself anyways. The risks associated, yes there are always risks when it comes to surgery. Today it just seemed to hit me harder. I hope a blood transfusion isn’t required, the screws they are working with are close to blood vessels, so the risk it there.


So as I continue to sit and wait, let me share some ways to keep you grounded and your mind from spinning when faced with situations like this:

  • Go for a walk
  • Read a book
  • Journal
  • Nose breathe ( click here to see more on this)
  • Play a game
  • Remind yourself you are a great person, times like this always seem so hard on the mind and we begin to question our worthiness
  • Eat, yes you need to fuel your body and mind to handle the stresses!
  • Limit the coffee or caffeine intake. Your nerves don’t need any boost of stimulation, they are already going full out!
  • Meditate, yes you can meditate anywhere!
  • Talk to a friend
The waiting is the hardest part!

Finally, I see his face. The surgeon that is!

It’s about 30 mins later then they said for the end time. My nerves were certainly starting to get the best of me at this point. Luckily I had done many of the points above to keep me grounded for the past 3-4 hours. My good friend who works at IWK came and sat with me for a few minutes on her break, her timing couldn’t have been better. I was starting to spin and my mind was playing with me. Her face was a calming welcome and we shared a bunch of laughs and she really got me grounded once again! Love the power of friends and laughter! xox

He had the look of satisfaction on his face, He was so relaxed, and had the best news ever! The surgery went better than expected, with no complications, no excessive blood loss, and the revision went very smooth. The feeling of gratitude I have this amazing team is indescribable! Now to continue my wait until she into the recovery room so I can see her! As I waited I messaged everyone and passed on the great news! It was as if I had won the lottery, the feeling of our joy! LOL, now back to the healing process once again!

She was much more alert and awake coming out of surgery this time! She was still quite teary as she was waking up, but was very alert and loving the peach popsicles! Her lips were still a bit swollen from the breathing tube, but no bruises like last time!


The best part for about this time around was NO CATHETER!! lol, She looked at me and said in a whisper voice ” I don’t think I have that pee thingy this time!” Her eyes lit right up and she was extremely happy! LOL, It is the simple things in life we take for granted! Like being able to get up out of bed to pee! 🙂

Her nurse from 7th floor, where she would be calling home for a few days, came to wheel her up. Off we go, luckily I am a pretty going stretcher driver! NO accidents and smooth sailing!

We had been joking before that we had hoped to have a better view from her room this time! Well my goodness, did we ever!!

Fast forward to the following day!

My nerves have now settled and I am so very thankful for all the support we have received. Mama slept like a baby last night, for a couple of hours at a time! lol
The first full day after surgery was amazing! She has been up walking around and is in great spirits with not much pain at all. The Dr was in and showed us the before and after xrays, he was very happy with everything. This helped keep me calm and relieved!

Fingers crossed that this will be the last of the surgeries for a great long while!

Can honestly say, she will not be missing this pole that has been her side kick!

She is still on continuous pain meds via the IV with the hope to wean off that in the morning and switch to pill form instead. This is kind of scary from a mom’s point of view, I worry how the pain will be, but I know she will handle whatever comes with strength and determination as she always does.

Day 2 after surgery, (2nd full day)

The best morning so far in her eyes, they are stopping the continuous flow pain meds and switching to a pill form. This is the first step in releasing her from all the wires that are keeping her confined to this lovely but not no lovely building called the IWK! It is a great place but she is ready to go home! She can even go outside for a bit today!!! WOO HOOOO Depending on how her pain goes, all the wires and tubes may be unhooked as early as tonight!! She is happy about that for sure, but also we are hesitant as to how the pain will be! Either way, she has been a rock star and is doing amazing!

Day 2 post surgery and off for more xrays !

Day 3 after surgery

She is still doing amazing. I am such a greatful mama! The night went very smooth and she is adapting so well to being off the IV meds! The Ortho team was in and gave her to go ahead to go home!

We had met some great people while here again this time. It can certainly tug at your heart strings seeing all the little kiddies with medical issues. So many little babies and my heart goes out to all of the families. Maddi had a great little fella next door to her. He was about 2 yrs old and had been in surgery the same time as Maddi. He was a little trooper as well and a real heart charmer! After the 2nd day he let me play with him in the hallway, with his light up paw patrol ball!! It brought me such joy to see his smiley face as we interacted!

I also need to share with you the awesome folks in the Ronald McDonald house located within the IWK! What a great thing! They have a great family room and arts and crafts for families to use. They have a great kitchen that families can use, bring in your own food and cook it up just like a real home! So nights they have volunteers come in and cook meals for the families at the IWK! What a welcome surprise this was for the night of her surgery! I hadn’t ordered anything for supper and was quite hungry!

Thanks to the volunteers I got to enjoy a piece of homecooked quiche, and ham and real veggies!! Fresh and full of flavor!

This is such welcome news as she is beyond ready to go home! She has been in such good spirits while in here but is going stir crazy, so for her overall wellness, ( and mine as well! ) We are glad to be heading home!

Final thoughts now that we are home!

This surgery recovery has gone so much smoother with less pain than the first one! The Ortho team is greatly impressed with how everything is going and we can only continue to keep our fingers crossed that this will be the adjustment needed and this will be the last surgery for quite some time!

So for now, it’s take it easy at home time. Less than 2 weeks until her grade 11 final exams.

Study, study, study will be her thing! That will be a joyful time!! LOL, Luckily she is pretty dedicated and on top with her study habits and is pretty confident that the exams will be ok and will pull off passes for all her courses!

See ya’s all in 6 weeks time after her second 6 week check up! Please send prayers, good vibes, whatever it is that you do when strength is needed, send it her way my friends. If you need good vibes sent your way, reach out and let us know, we love sending good vibes out!

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! XO

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Reason’s YOU can’t Yoga, and why YES you CAN !

So many folks have never given yoga a try, that is sad. Hear me out before you run away please!! LOL I was one of those for many years! DARN do I ever regret not trying it sooner!!! There are so many excuses people use. I understand trying new things can be scary!!! BUT not trying new things is not healthy for your heart, body or mind!!

For all you negative Nelly’s out there ( no offense to Nelly’s who are not negative!! LOL ), here’s a small list of reasons you may have for NOT TRYING YOGA!!!  As well as my responses showing how,  YES YOU can! You know you love me!! Keep reading, your mind, body and heart may just love ya for it!!

Disclaimer, be sure to listen to your body as you try any of these links below, start slow and easy! Talk to your doctor if you have more questions!

JUST BE SURE TO START!!!

Excuses, and ways to start NOW!!

  • I’m not flexible enough ! Yep I get it, There are lots of moves I can’t do either. SO WHAT!!! lol Can you sit and place your hands on your legs? YEP you can, so you can do yoga! 
  • I’m not skinny enough ! Ummm excuse me?? Where is it written yoga is only for the ‘skinny’???? NOWHERE, that’s where!!. Again I ask you, can you sit and touch your legs? Awesome try this little yoga routine.                YES YOU CAN
  • I don’t have time. Uggggg this is such an excuse for way too many things. Do you wake up and reach for your phone/tablet/computer? Try swapping out even 5 mins to do a quick yoga routine like THIS one to kick start your day in a positive way.
  • Yoga is just for girls! OH NO YOU DON’T! How dare you be so close minded! lol 🙂  I’ve seen the biggest, tattooedest, bearded rough guys do yoga( with pride) ! Some of the best built male bodies do yoga and know how much it can help their regular workout routine! Check out some of the videos here and see for yourself, tough guy!! 🙂 
  • Yoga won’t help me with my breathing, or breathing is just something we do automatically! Check this out my friends! 
  • Yoga won’t help my PTSD or other Mental Health struggles!! Well, I beg to differ my friend!! It may not work for all, but I bet if you give it an HONEST chance and do some practices you will see a difference in your own Mental Wellness! 🙂 Watch this one to hear more.
  • War Veterans don’t do yoga ! This it totally not true! Watch what this US War Veteren who lives with PTSD has done!

So my friends as you can see Yoga really is for everyone! It just takes a second to see what will work for you! I challenge you all to take just 5-10 mins each day to try a NEW practice and see what happens after just a few days!

Skip that silly video so and so posted late last night, try a 5 min yoga practice instead.

Will it really matter if you don’t get to click the like button on a funny Facebook post because you CHOOSE to do something for your mind instead with that time?

So what if it takes you an extra 5 mins to get that reply sent, 5 mins of mindfullness can be much more beneficial to your over all health!

Even with pets YOU can yoga!

There you have it my wonderful friends! Get yourself going and try a PRACTICE!! Yoga is called a practice, because each time you do it YOU ARE PRACTICING!

It is not something you master in 5 minutes or 5 days. It is something that you do for YOU each and every time ! At your own pace!

I hope this helps you decide to give it a try!! Let me know down below in the comments!! 🙂

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo

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6 Week check up..

Welcome to you all! If you have not seen the other posts regarding our curvy journey and Scoliosis please click here and have a read!

The week leading up to her 6 week follow up brought more pain in her left side. A tingling numb sensation. At this point, she was off of all pain meds and was using Tylenol or Advil for her pain.

She had been doing all her stretches except the door ones and the floor with roller. They seemed to be getting more difficult and the pain was a bit worse so I was relieved to be heading back for a checkup. I was not overly concerned, and certainly wasn’t expecting the results we would receive.


It has taken me some time getting this post together, my head has been in a whirlwind since her checkup. Luckily I had made pretty good notes that same day and the days following, so here we go! The bottom line is, revision surgery is required within the next 2 weeks. The top 2 screws have moved.

Waiting for xrays. Little did we know these smiles would soon be replaced with tears and lots of decisions. Soon after the xrays she were being rushed in for a CT Scan. The xray had showed that the to 2 screws has moved, but did not show enough details about what was actually going on. The first ct scan was done, but did not show enough of the blood vessels, so they had to use dye contrast to help get a better understanding. The tough cookie that she is went in for the ct all by herself, I waited in the waiting room. The 2 staff with her just amazing and really helped keep her in good spirits while they were getting the ct scan done. I was very thankful for that!

My mind during the wait….

” 1 hr sitting and waiting for the ct scan. My chest is just so tight, so much anxiety. Deep nose breathing as much as I can to keep myself grounded and as calm as can be. This is not at all what we were expecting today. Deep down inside the past few weeks I had a weird feeling about her recovery… uggg… moms intuition or just mom worrying? who knows? Please just get us some answers and make my baby girl ok.

After having the night to get a little bit of sleep, and some time to think about things a bit more in detail. I guess also once everything sort of started to settle in I’m realizing that this is just a wee set back.
We knew going into this journey that there is always the potential for things to take a different path than what we had anticipated. When you’re dealing with medicine and fairly new surgery, a lot of unknowns are to be expected. Things can sometimes veer off the original hoped for path.
Now although I’m saying that, my insides are still spinning. I know my daughter must have so many more emotions going through her as she’s the one living with this. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact, I just can’t begin to imagine what she must feel like knowing she has a device inside her that has shifted and is no longer sitting where it’s supposed to be. In all reality, it has the potential cause more pain and really we don’t really know what else at this point.
It’s comforting to know that between the doctor and the Radiologists they feel it’s not something we need to rush on right now( at the day of 6-week checkup). They feel that although the screws are not where they’re supposed to be there is no immediate danger of her spinal cord or her any muscles or blood vessels. They reassured us that it seems to be out of any harm’s way. Now, that doesn’t mean that we can just let things be. Obviously, some decisions have to be made and that’s what we’re going to be having heavy on our hearts and minds the next few days.
I should add right now also, Dr. El Hawary is away at a conference with all the Apifix folks the week before her revision. This includes the designer of the device and almost all doctors from around the world who have been involved with Apifix since the beginning. So although this is not the path we had hoped for, with requiring another surgery, we are so very fortunate that we know she has the absolute best team looking at her situation. When she goes in for the revision, we know that the plan ahead will have a lot of input from a very knowledgeable team. I think that fact is helping me deal with all this just a bit easier!

  • Waiting for Dr
  • The device

Here are the options presented:

  • Remove the device and replace it with the fusion option. Which is one solid rod with many many more screws securing it in place keeping her spine straight. ( this is the main go to surgery for scoliosis) It has been used for many many years.
  • Remove the device and leave nothing in her back and see how the scoliosis progresses on its own.
  • Do a revision surgery in which they will add a couple smaller rods and use 3 smaller screws (4mm) to secure to 2 different vertebrae. ( Originally there were only 2 larger screws 6mm into one vertebra)
  • Do nothing. Which is not a wise option.

My daughter is quite adamant that she’s going in for the revision. She wants to stick with this path an get the second surgery done as soon as possible so we can let the healing process begin again.
It just amazes me how strong she is really being, I’m sure she doesn’t quite feel as strong as I am seeing. I’m sure that deep down inside she’s a lot more scared than she’s letting on. As a mom sitting and watching her go through this it’s so hard. It’s hard watching any of your children struggle, knowing full well there’s nothing you can do to fix it. All you can do is be there for them. Support them, be the moral support they need and love and encourage them. Be that venting board when they just need to vent. Sometimes it’s hard to not take these venting sessions personally. I am fighting with that. I’m here to support her and to listen. I know the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the scared feelings she has, all of those emotions that she has are not geared towards me. Well, not most anyways!! LOL, So I let her vent. I try to keep my shield up so it doesn’t affect me personally and we carry on.

So that’s what we’re doing now, waiting for the revision.

Luckily going into this her school marks have been really good. The time she has been missing is making it very tough for her to keep her marks as high as they have been but she is persistent and is doing what she can. Hopefully, we can find a tutor soon and that will help her get ready for exams which are just a few weeks away.

Now for those who may wonder if we are happy with the decision she made to try this Apifix surgery, let me reassure you. We are still super confident in the decision made. We have the best of the best working on her and making the best decision possible to have a successful outcome after this revision. Has it been easy? No not at all, but we have no regrets. She is such a trooper and one tough cookie, I am so proud of all she has been through.

I have been in contact with a few other moms whose children have Scoliosis and talking with them has really been a world of help for me. If you or anyone you know may benefit from our story please share this. I would love to hear from anyone, the Apifix community in Canada is quite small, so please share and let’s build up this community if the need is there!

The next update will be after the revision surgery! In the meantime feel free to message here or email us at jensjourney73@gmail.com

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others!xox

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Evelyn – Last of her kind. A book worth your time!

Whenever I go for a walk or am out driving I love looking at things and wonder about the story they could tell. Maybe it’s an empty lot, an abandoned building, a statue or an object with no description. Do you ever wonder what stories surround it?

I find myself wondering all the time, ” geez I wonder what those walls could tell” when I see an abandoned house. It really makes me wonder. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking, or at least I hope I am not! Imagine what life was like for that period of time before it became abandoned. Well, today I want to share with you something that I discovered, a book and little history from pretty much my own back yard.

Image by Dani Myrick from Pixabay

I am extremely new to the little community we call home right now. I have no roots here but I know there is lots of history and lots of family tales to be told. I was at a local garage today getting the oil changed on my car. I look beside me on the bench as I waited and a book caught my eye. A beautiful face on the front, the face of a woman who has lived a long life. The title of the book is – Evelyn Last of her Kind-. I gazed through the book and looked at the pictures to start. WOW let me tell you, I was amazed and soon found myself fully into all her little stories!

This day I was hoping the oil change would take a long time! lol, It wasn’t too long but just long enough!! I was fortunate to be there long enough to flip through and read the entire book, taking in all the pictures, smiling the entire time.

Evelyn gardening, she always grew her thumbnails long, it made it easier to get the beans out of the shells she said!

Before I left, the lady who owns the shop made a comment about the book and we started talking. It turns out Evelyn, prior to being moved to a senior home and then her passing in 2016, she lived just down the street from where I live now. Her house has since been torn down. However, her lot is one of those places I often walk past and wonder, what stories it could tell. I had the privilege and honor of reading some of those stories about that lot in years gone by.

Evelyn in front of wood pile, with one of her pets!!

Evelyn wasn’t famous worldwide, but she was well known in her community. She was a hard worker and sounded like not only quite a woman but a one of a kind quite a human.

The book told of her life on the farm, it was just her parents, her and her sister. She worked on the farm from a very young age, doing the work that normally boys in the family would do.

Right up until she was removed from her home, she lived alone, with her Cat named Buttons, and 2 chickens. She would split her own wood in the summer, and haul it into her tiny home all winter by herself.
The book is a series of interviews done by the writer over a few years, it shares her stories about her love of farming, and being independent.

One of my favorite’s things from the book was on the back cover, which contained some quotes from her. Her words of wisdom.

One of my favorite’s things from the book was on the back cover, which contained some quotes from her. Her words of wisdom.

The world today has gone beyond the people. The people can’t keep up anymore.

Evelyn Chrtostoper

I loved thinking about how life was so much different when Evelyn was growing up. People don’t take the time for our elders as we used to. It really makes me sad to a point. It makes me wonder who will be the “Evelyn’s” of today.

Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo

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