Trigger warning. Suicide.
This blog will talk about suicide and the really dark side of untreated emotional health. It may be hard for some to read, but that is why it needs to be written, shared and talked about. Emotional health is just as important as physical health and it burns my blood that there is still so much stigma in society today towards the emotional side of health. I am angry. I am scared. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am tired, tired of the stigma we allow to keep us hidden away when it comes to emotional health, mental health, whatever you choose to call it. Tired of losing lives to suicide.
Today started with my head in a fog. Yesterday I wrote my first in-depth blog focusing on my journey living with PTSD. It is long and a bit all over the place. That is PTSD — all over the place. My sleep last night was very broken and anything but restful. My mind was on overdrive. It is very draining, trying to get my thoughts out of my head in a way that may be understandable to you all.
As I was working to get myself awake and get my head back to today, back to reality, my fiancée received a text from his good buddy. He instantly knew something was wrong. The next few texts proved his instinct was right. A friend of theirs killed himself last night.
My heart dropped. I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew this was going to be a day. A day trying to get our head around this loss of life. A day trying to be supportive to my partner, my rock. It always hits hard when we hear of someone dying. Multiply that by a million — it turns out that this death was a fellow veteran, a man who has been struggling for quite some time. A man who looks rock solid, tough as nails. I know that all humans are at risk for PTSD. Size is irrelevant, as is age, profession, race or religion. Sometimes though, society is cruel. We think that a certain person is weak if they admit to having some sort of emotional illness.
Why can’t we just be empathetic to all?
I am not too proud to say that I have also had suicidal thoughts, going to battle with my suicidal ideation. I am not selfish. I am not a coward. I am not weak. I am a fighter and I live with mental illnesses. I have a loving support network. I have great kids. I have things in life I still want to do. So you may ask, how dare I think of taking my own life?
Well, let me try and explain.
Pretend you have a pair of eyeglasses. Put those glasses on your face now. Next, imagine a thin layer of dirt getting on those lenses. You try and wipe the dirt off, but all you can do is smudge it a bit.
The dirt is still there.
You cannot take off these glasses.
You cannot clean them.
As you look through those glasses, you can still see but it’s a bit hard. You can see the things around you. You see your kids perhaps. Your spouse. Your friends. The things in life that bring you joy and give you a sense of purpose.
You can see, but it is blurred from the dirt.
Now imagine another layer of dirt being spread across those lenses. The lenses are now really blurring everything you try to see. You try to wipe them clear again, this time using some type of lens cleaner. Again, it just smudges. There are a few spots that you can see out of, but overall, all you see is the dirt.
Are you getting frustrated yet?
You still can’t take those lenses off. You still can’t see clearly past all that damn dirt. You know there are things around you and people around you who care. You can hear voices, but all you see is dirt. The people around you try to clear that dirt. It sticks.24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you only see dirt.
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you only see dirt.
You try to wipe again, this time with a stronger cleaner, but only get a small speck of light to come through the dirt. That light, that small clearing, gives you a bit of freedom from the frustration. That small bit of freedom gives you energy to keep going, to keep trying to see past that damn dirt.
BAM!
A huge pile of dirt slams onto those already dirty lenses. You try with all your might to clear the dirt. You try so many different types of cleaners. You try everything you can think of, everything that everyone tells you to try.
Nothing you try will clear those lenses.
You are stuck with this dirt on these lenses all the time. You try and try again to take them off, to clean that view, but you can’t. The dirt is stuck there like crazy glue. You want to see life. You want to see those things that used to make you feel human and have a purpose, but no matter what you do, that dirt remains!
That dirt is paralyzing you.
You used to be able to feel life, even though you maybe couldn’t always see it. You lose sight of that person who you used to be. All those things that were life as you used to know it are now a fading memory. They no longer exist in your state of mind. The days have turned to weeks, the weeks have turned to months and for many, the months have turned into years.
Imagine you have had these dirty lenses blocking your view for years.
For years, you have been trying to clear them, to see your life as you used to know it. Instead, all you can see is dirt.
You have become so drained, so emotionally exhausted, after trying so long to clear that view. It is utter pain not being able to see or feel the things that used to be your life. The pain becomes unbearable and all you crave is to numb it.
Then the spiraling starts. You may have a ton of love and support around you, trying all they can to help you. However, the negative thoughts, the overthinking, the lack of self-worth, the feelings of doom become overpowering and take control of your mind.
You numb the pain by turning to drugs or alcohol or whatever else your choice may be, looking for artificial happiness that ultimately can destroy you. In the end, it generates an unbearable pain. You don’t care anymore. Your vision has been so blurred for so long that all you desire is something to help you numb that pain. It impossible to see your worth. You get to the point where you have no hope and the suicidal thoughts kick in.
The dirt thickens, the light is gone. You see nothing but doom and uncontrollable pain.
Okay, go ahead take off those glasses I made you put on earlier. You are lucky. You can take them off. As you take those glasses off, remember that people living with PTSD can’t take those glasses off.
The dirt that is on those glasses I described is the trauma that led to PTSD. The trauma that makes us unable to see life clearly.
When I told you to try and clean the glasses all those different ways — the different cleaners, the different ideas that people may offer — that represents the help that we try to find. The help we so deeply want so we can see life clearly.
For some, we get to a point where we can have more and more days of seeing life through a small clearing in the lens. We know the trauma and the emotions associated with that trauma are still there. We still see it every day. But somehow, with some kind of strength and lots of support, we can push that dirt to the side enough to still see a purpose in life.
This doesn’t happen overnight, and it may seem like the lenses are clear for a while until all of a sudden, the dirt is back deeper and thicker than the last time.
Not only is this hard on the person living with PTSD, but it is also hard for friends and family. Loved ones see you slipping away, and they want to help clear that view. They may feel like they have already lost you, like they have lost that person you used to be. In a sense, they have. That person we used to be may never be that same person again. That is the brutal reality of PTSD.
Far too many people are left to try and clear these dirty lenses on their own for many different reasons. Many will push people away because they are embarrassed, scared, or too proud to admit they are struggling. This is how the suicides can happen.
As hard as it is, try and remember what life looks like through dirty lenses when you see someone struggling.
Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out for help. There are many organizations dedicated to helping you find the resources you need. Your life matters. Your life has value. Your life has a purpose.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
To Write Love on Her Arms /twloha.com/find-hel
If you want to read more on mental heath and wellness, I did a guest post over on spectrum of madness and encourage you all to check it out!
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others.
One Reply to “Life through dirty lenses. Living with PTSD.”