This post is well over due and I had hoped to give a more detailed day by day for at least the first few days, but well, the days slipped by and I kept pushing it off.. so now here i am trying to put it all together from all the little notes I had been keeping – thank goodness for pictures and those little notes- my memory is mush!
I have had a lot of people reach out since I first started posting. I never realized how common scoliosis is. It has been great sharing our story and hearing from others as well. We have only connected with a couple of families who have had, or are considering Apifix. Makes me think that maybe an online support and peer networking for Apifix might be a good idea! I will add that to my list! Now I should say there are lots of scoliosis groups but not many in North America that have had or even know of Apifix as it is so new here! So please spread this around and have anyone get in touch if they would like! Here is the link to the Apifix websitehttp://apifix.com/en/
The drive home went really smooth, lol which is funny because the roads in Eastern Canada are anything but smooth!! With the pain medication the hospital gave her, plus bonus one, for the drive really helped to settle her and she slept most of the drive! She didn’t find herself in too much pain, and we made really good time, about 4.5 hours!!
When we got home she went straight to bed and continued on with her pain meds every 4 hours. She found quite a bit of comfort with ice packs, she was having tingling and odd sensations on her left side. She found the ice helped bring comfort. She required assistance getting in and out of bed a little bit. Once in the bed she could slowly move a bit however it was quite uncomfortable. She was in good spirits despite the fact she was pretty sore .
When we got home she went straight to bed and continued on with her pain meds every 4 hours. She found quite a bit of comfort with ice packs, she was having tingling and odd sensations on her left side. She found the ice helped bring comfort. She required assistance getting in and out of bed a little bit. Once in the bed she could slowly move a bit however it was quite uncomfortable. She was in good spirits despite the fact she was pretty sore . Iced coffee smile, a welcome home treat from Chris!
Nuf said
Bean and bear cuddles
Pretty sure M is in there somewhere!
Up and about slowly
Home sweet home!
The next day, day 5 post op!!
It just amazes me that only 5 days ago she was in the OR! Recovery has certainly changed over the years for any type of surgery! I am thankful for that, It is nice being in the comfort of our own home! Karen our nurse from the IWK, called to see how she was making out. I explained to her that she was doing quite well but was still having quite a bit of tingling sensations on the left side- she was having this same sensation in the hospital post op. We are watching to see if there is possible nerve damage, but seeing as she wasn’t numb anywhere and could still feel her toes the care team wasn’t too concerned about it right now. Just to reassure all of us, Karen was going to check with doctor El-Hawary and get back to us the next day. When she called us back she said that we could increase the Gabapentin, the nerve pills, if need be to three times a day.
The third day home she was ready for a shower. Oh my gosh, I remember thinking to myself- How the heck am I going to get her in the shower without getting these bandages or these stitches wet first of all, then how is she going to have the strength to get in and out of the shower. She took a pain pill before attempting the shower and within about two minutes in the shower she realized that maybe it wasn’t quite time for this yet. I helped her out of the tub, but not until helping her rinse as much of the shampoo and conditioner out of her hair as we could. Uggg what a struggle, poor girl! Once out, was pretty pale and went straight to sit down when she got out of the shower. After a few minutes she started to feel a little bit better and was able to come out to the kitchen. We realized then that maybe it was a little too soon for the shower but she was a trooper and she did well.
Now the fun part, trying to do something with this hair of hers- super thick, not really short, AND has being in the hospital for a bunch of days. Anyone get my struggle?? lol This is what we had.
This Mess
Ugggg
Slowly we got em all out
With a lot of patience and not much yelling at me, thank goodness LOL I was able to get all the tangles out and she was actually able to brush her hair now. That was it for the day. It doesn’t take much to wear her down still, and this was definitely enough for today. She went back to bed and pretty much just chilled out and watched TV for the remainder of the day. A well deserved chill out, in my opinion!
A mamma’s mind, a mamma’s creation! How to wash the girl’s hair without having her nearly pass out? Start with 6 towels, 2 pillows,a footstool, a blanket, a pain pill, 3 face cloths and the most awkward bent over position for what seemed liked an eternity!! (for her and mamma too!) But I didn’t dare complain about my back!! LOLThat is how a mamma gets it done! Much happier girl after this attempt on day 6 post op!!
On day 5, day 8 post op, home she was starting to feel a bit better. She was moving more and getting in and out of bed by herself now! Proud mamma moment- and one less she needed me to help her with!!! Independence is coming back!!. She wasn’t taking her pain meds through the night, only the odd night. At this point now she is taking Tylenol, a strong anti-inflammatory as well as the nerve pain pill.
Each day I am more amazed, only one week post-surgery and she’s getting along so well. She is so moving very slow but she’s up she’s walking around the house. She is still bothered by some pretty intense pain/tingling on her left side. She’s describing it now more as tingling and kind of like pins and needles not so much muscle pain right now. She finds the best way to relieve this is just simply by pacing the floors. It doesn’t make it stop but it certainly lessens the pain until it passes.
I was quite impressed that she decided to start working on some of her school work that the teachers had put aside. I’m happy to say that the teachers have been super supportive, offering to help her when she’s able to get back into school.
One week home and she has now been out for a car ride and is getting around quite a bit better but still gets tired quickly and is quite sore if she tries to do too much. She still not lifting, not bending all that well but she’s definitely moving around more.
Out for a drive..ice cream and a bone half the size of Bean!
Week 2 post op
It’s really been pretty relaxing and quiet the first 2 weeks home, not at all what I expected. I have sort of let myself slip out of my self care moments, so my head is getting tired and messy, time to start getting back on track really soon! I was a bit worried how the pain would be as week one she was still pretty sore- happy to say first week was the hardest. But not at all as painful for her as I was anticipating! She’s one tough cookie! The second week now she is moving around a lot better she started her stretches – which she hates – it is quite painful. This is normal and is what we were told would happen. So she’s doing them at her pace, she knows that the stretching is the key to a great recovery and outcome!
2 weeks less a day post op and into school for Grade 12 course selections!
She realizes that if she pushes too hard it could just cause more soreness and that will just slow the recovery. She was feeling up to going into school at exactly the two-week post op day. I was so nervous about this, not because she wasn’t ready to walk and get around, but because what if somebody bumped into her or she got pushed accidentally ! Uggg my mind was so worried. She went with a friend, a bodyguard in my mind! I knew Emma would make sure she was safe and looked after! One class was good enough for her that day, and for me as well!
It was nice because she was starting to get frustrated with some of her school work that she wasn’t understanding. One of her teachers met with her after school and did some extra work as well. She’s able to get out in the car more often now. And the sharp pain that she was experiencing the first week has definitely lessened- just coming from time to time. She talks more about now muscle pain as opposed to the tingling. I’m assuming this is because she’s moving around more and she’s starting to do the stretches so the muscles are getting cranky. Thankfully it’s just the muscles that are cranky! LOL
As the days go on, I realize I am way over due in getting this post out. I wanted it out much sooner for sure, but well, here it is finally! I do have more pics of her incisions and her back, if anyone wants to discuss more in detail please do drop me a message! I’d love to share more and answer any questions you may have!
We are back to the IWK first week of May for her 6 week follow up. School is on the plan starting after Easter break, at least for one or two classes, she hopes! More to follow as this curvy journey continues! Be sure to subscribe and keep up with all our/my journey!
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo
Hi all my lovely friends! I am super humbled and proud to announce that I have been nominated for the Blogger Recognition Award by, Chasing Those Daydreams. If you aren’t familiar with her blog, please do stop today, you will be glad you did.
Also, you bloggers out there! Click on the link above to read her advice!
As a nominee this is what I must do! 🙂
RULES •Write a post to show your award. •Give a brief story of how your blog started. •Give two pieces of advice for new bloggers. •Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog. •Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to.
Huge shout out and thank you to Noelle from Chasing Those Daydreams for making my day by nominating me along with 14 other bloggers!!! Happy moment indeed! Link to see Noelle’s awesomeness is above and also at bottom of this post!
History of my Blog
I’ve been intrigued by blogging for quite some years now. Never really having the motivation or confidence to put my stories out there.
Well last month that all changed. I decided that I needed to share my stories. For a couple of reasons, 1) I wanted them out of my head, 2)I realized how helpful other bloggers had been to me and I wanted to help others in the same way.
I live with PTSD, depression and anxiety. My stories are not meant to be doom and gloom but rather a testimony that no matter how messed up your head gets, you are never alone and YOU are worth living for.
Welcome to my journey, my journey to Emotional Peace, where it’s ok to pause, count, two, three, and then continue 🥰🙏❣
My 2 peices of advice
1. Just do it. Don’t be too critical of yourself. We all started with the same hesitations, the same doubt, the same confusion. There is so much help out there, you too can do this!!
2. Have fun and smile while you explore other blogs and get ideas. Be silly, be you, step out of your comfort zone! Things can get stressful, take a break and explore or reach out to a fellow blogger. Ask for ideas, help, encouragement, lol whatever you need to make it fun and make it yours!
A huge thank you once again to Noelle for taking the time to check out my blog and giving me this boost of confidence by nominating me! xo
Insert loud cheering, hooting and hollering here!
My nominee’s are; !!!!!!
Are ya ready, hold on to your hats, here it is folks!!! ( in random order) Click on the buttons to see what I’m talking about! They are great!
Now it’s your turn my friends, if you have been nominated here’s a recap of what you should do now!!
RULES •Write a post to show your award. •Give a brief story of how your blog started. •Give two pieces of advice for new bloggers. •Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog. •Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo
LOL, this is a loaded prompt. When I first thought about this I thought, hell of course who doesn’t want all the ‘gloriousness ‘ we often think of when we first think of the word, famous! lol But really, when I went and looked up the meaning of the word, I thought a bit deeper on a different level- because well that’s what I do! Overanalyze and then analyze just a wee bit more!!
Here is what Merriam-Webster’s says about the word famous.
I don’t dream of being world known. I wouldn’t want to live under the watchful, and ever judging eyes of the folks who follow the ‘famous’. I don’t do things in life for the purpose of being honored.
Instead, I would like to be known as someone who cares, someone who has compassion, and someone who lives a good life, despite the bumps in the road along my journey. I think I am on that path of life now. I would like people to share my stories, my struggles and my joys, not in the hopes of becoming famous but more so in order to give someone hope. To help someone who may feel the same struggles as I do.
What are your thoughts? Would you like to be famous? Drop your reply below!
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others!
This dream was about a week ago. I had started thinking about my blog and how I wanted to get back into the PTSD side of my life. My head was going super fast, a mile a minute, trying to figure out what I wanted to share. I know one of the things that kept sticking out was my loss of memory. Well, that thought stuck with me I guess and followed me off to dreamland.
I have had dreams, and I’ve had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of my dreams.” Jonas Salk
I dream’t I was by myself in my car in my hometown of Winnipeg, which is odd because I haven’t lived there for over 20 years. But I guess this is a dream so let’s go with it. I was in the parking lot, for those of you that know Winnipeg, it was in the old DJ’s/ Icabods parking lot, used to be a Zellers there also, way back in the day.
I was there trying to get something done on my car. From what I recall, I was trying to drop my car off, go to the movies, then come back and get my car. The dream is just in bits and pieces but I remember coming back to this parking lot trying to find my car and my mind was blank. I looked everywhere and I could not find the car. I assumed it had to be there, I couldn’t remember exactly where I had parked. It was hard to know if it was just my memory or if it was stolen. I felt like such an idiot. I made a few phone calls, I remember that nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. I remember just being there stranded and alone.
When I woke in the morning I had an awful feeling. I knew it was a dream I checked my car was here everything was fine. Even though I knew it was a dream I still couldn’t shake that awful feeling. That awful feeling of standing there all alone not really remembering what it happened. Not knowing where I parked the car, not being able to explain to the police where I parked the car. Wondering if it was stolen. I just felt completely alone and completely crazy for lack of better words.
Now I know people forget things. I know people have crazy dreams. I know this was just a dream, what was hard about this one was I couldn’t shake that icky feeling.
I don’t know if some of you out there reading this are dream analyzers, lol, it would be kind of interesting to hear if somebody had some feedback from you! Anyways that is my most recent dream that I remember, thankfully it wasn’t too horrific and sorry it wasn’t a funnier dream. OR maybe it was funny!! lol, It kind of is looking back at it now!
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself and look out for others! xo
Hey all, if you haven’t seen my Life through dirty lenses, the title here probably doesn’t make much sense. Take a break from this page and click below to read it first! Then head on back and watch my Vlog today! I ventured out and tried a video post instead of full out long written one! eekkkkk It was nerve wracking!
Today is still a struggle – I am pushing through! I wanted to get this out last night as a bit of a decompression from the past few days, but I was exhausted last night and didn’t get to it before I was sleep. So, no big deal today is a new day, struggles and all, and I actually managed to get my ice cream today! It wasn’t nearly as bad as last night! If you haven’t watched the video you won’t understand that last line!
I am stepping way out my comfort zone with these videos, so if you managed to stick around for the whole thing, let me know. Drop me a reply below or comment on my FB or Instagram or even on my You tube channel! I am loving all the interactions from so many of you so far! Its great to know my rantings and ramblings are reaching and helping! Even if it helps one person, I am happy!
Until next time my friends, be kind to yourself, and look out for others!
The fine print: if you struggling please reach out to a professional, I am NOT a professional , I hope to help you find the strength with YOU to reach out for professional help!
The finer print; Links to all my other social media can be found at the top of this site!
This blog will talk about suicide and the really dark side of untreated emotional health. It may be hard for some to read, but that is why it needs to be written, shared and talked about. Emotional health is just as important as physical health and it burns my blood that there is still so much stigma in society today towards the emotional side of health. I am angry. I am scared. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am tired, tired of the stigma we allow to keep us hidden away when it comes to emotional health, mental health, whatever you choose to call it. Tired of losing lives to suicide.
Today started with my head in a fog. Yesterday I wrote my first in-depth blog focusing on my journey living with PTSD. It is long and a bit all over the place. That is PTSD — all over the place. My sleep last night was very broken and anything but restful. My mind was on overdrive. It is very draining, trying to get my thoughts out of my head in a way that may be understandable to you all.
As I was working to get myself awake and get my head back to today, back to reality, my fiancée received a text from his good buddy. He instantly knew something was wrong. The next few texts proved his instinct was right. A friend of theirs killed himself last night.
My heart dropped. I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew this was going to be a day. A day trying to get our head around this loss of life. A day trying to be supportive to my partner, my rock. It always hits hard when we hear of someone dying. Multiply that by a million — it turns out that this death was a fellow veteran, a man who has been struggling for quite some time. A man who looks rock solid, tough as nails. I know that all humans are at risk for PTSD. Size is irrelevant, as is age, profession, race or religion. Sometimes though, society is cruel. We think that a certain person is weak if they admit to having some sort of emotional illness.
Why can’t we just be empathetic to all?
I am not too proud to say that I have also had suicidal thoughts, going to battle with my suicidal ideation. I am not selfish. I am not a coward. I am not weak. I am a fighter and I live with mental illnesses. I have a loving support network. I have great kids. I have things in life I still want to do. So you may ask, how dare I think of taking my own life?
Pretend you have a pair of eyeglasses. Put those glasses on your face now. Next, imagine a thin layer of dirt getting on those lenses. You try and wipe the dirt off, but all you can do is smudge it a bit.
The dirt is still there.
You cannot take off these glasses.
You cannot clean them.
As you look through those glasses, you can still see but it’s a bit hard. You can see the things around you. You see your kids perhaps. Your spouse. Your friends. The things in life that bring you joy and give you a sense of purpose.
You can see, but it is blurred from the dirt.
Now imagine another layer of dirt being spread across those lenses. The lenses are now really blurring everything you try to see. You try to wipe them clear again, this time using some type of lens cleaner. Again, it just smudges. There are a few spots that you can see out of, but overall, all you see is the dirt.
Are you getting frustrated yet?
You still can’t take those lenses off. You still can’t see clearly past all that damn dirt. You know there are things around you and people around you who care. You can hear voices, but all you see is dirt. The people around you try to clear that dirt. It sticks.24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you only see dirt.
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you only see dirt.
You try to wipe again, this time with a stronger cleaner, but only get a small speck of light to come through the dirt. That light, that small clearing, gives you a bit of freedom from the frustration. That small bit of freedom gives you energy to keep going, to keep trying to see past that damn dirt.
BAM!
A huge pile of dirt slams onto those already dirty lenses. You try with all your might to clear the dirt. You try so many different types of cleaners. You try everything you can think of, everything that everyone tells you to try.
Nothing you try will clear those lenses.
You are stuck with this dirt on these lenses all the time. You try and try again to take them off, to clean that view, but you can’t. The dirt is stuck there like crazy glue. You want to see life. You want to see those things that used to make you feel human and have a purpose, but no matter what you do, that dirt remains!
That dirt is paralyzing you.
You used to be able to feel life, even though you maybe couldn’t always see it. You lose sight of that person who you used to be. All those things that were life as you used to know it are now a fading memory. They no longer exist in your state of mind. The days have turned to weeks, the weeks have turned to months and for many, the months have turned into years.
Imagine you have had these dirty lenses blocking your view for years.
For years, you have been trying to clear them, to see your life as you used to know it. Instead, all you can see is dirt.
You have become so drained, so emotionally exhausted, after trying so long to clear that view. It is utter pain not being able to see or feel the things that used to be your life. The pain becomes unbearable and all you crave is to numb it.
Then the spiraling starts. You may have a ton of love and support around you, trying all they can to help you. However, the negative thoughts, the overthinking, the lack of self-worth, the feelings of doom become overpowering and take control of your mind.
You numb the pain by turning to drugs or alcohol or whatever else your choice may be, looking for artificial happiness that ultimately can destroy you. In the end, it generates an unbearable pain. You don’t care anymore. Your vision has been so blurred for so long that all you desire is something to help you numb that pain. It impossible to see your worth. You get to the point where you have no hope and the suicidal thoughts kick in.
The dirt thickens, the light is gone. You see nothing but doom and uncontrollable pain.
Okay, go ahead take off those glasses I made you put on earlier. You are lucky. You can take them off. As you take those glasses off, remember that people living with PTSD can’t take those glasses off.
The dirt that is on those glasses I described is the trauma that led to PTSD. The trauma that makes us unable to see life clearly.
When I told you to try and clean the glasses all those different ways — the different cleaners, the different ideas that people may offer — that represents the help that we try to find. The help we so deeply want so we can see life clearly.
For some, we get to a point where we can have more and more days of seeing life through a small clearing in the lens. We know the trauma and the emotions associated with that trauma are still there. We still see it every day. But somehow, with some kind of strength and lots of support, we can push that dirt to the side enough to still see a purpose in life.
This doesn’t happen overnight, and it may seem like the lenses are clear for a while until all of a sudden, the dirt is back deeper and thicker than the last time.
Not only is this hard on the person living with PTSD, but it is also hard for friends and family. Loved ones see you slipping away, and they want to help clear that view. They may feel like they have already lost you, like they have lost that person you used to be. In a sense, they have. That person we used to be may never be that same person again. That is the brutal reality of PTSD.
Far too many people are left to try and clear these dirty lenses on their own for many different reasons. Many will push people away because they are embarrassed, scared, or too proud to admit they are struggling. This is how the suicides can happen.
As hard as it is, try and remember what life looks like through dirty lenses when you see someone struggling.
Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out for help. There are many organizations dedicated to helping you find the resources you need. Your life matters. Your life has value. Your life has a purpose.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Today’s prompt is super easy right? lol well, it really is, but of course I thought about trying to look my best and show off some type of cool outfit! lol but well, that isn’t me ! I’m a gym shorts and tank or sweats/tights and cozy shirt kinda gal! With the chili spring day here today it’s definitely a sweats kinda day ;
For those following my other posts, you probably know I am a Canadian Veteran, living with PTSD and engaged to an amazing man who is also a Veteran living with PTSD.
A group of island veterans, including myself, made this video to help raise awareness for PTSD and to help end the stigma associated with Mental Health Illnesses. This video has reached many people but unfortunately we haven’t done much with the video in the past while. All of us in the video are living with PTSD, and life has been a challenge. We still work everyday to bring awareness for PTSD. I am sharing this here as a way to keep to keep the talk going.
Please don’t be scared to speak out, please speak out and find a buddy before you get too lost in your own thoughts. Please don’t feel like you are alone.
I want to encourage talking, NOT taking your own life. I also want people to call it like it is when a person takes their own life. All too often a suicide is not called a suicide because society doesn’t like that word. Suicide is often labeled as an accident, an overdose, but it hardly ever gets worded as the truth. The truth being, someone took their own life because the battle was too overpowering. It does not mean that person was weak, quite the opposite, that person was trying to be strong, in silence many times, for way too long. Help end the stigma surrounding Mental Health and suicide.
